It’s the day of the dead in Ecuador, but maybe only for the long dead

November 1 is "Dia de los Difuntos" [Day of the Dead] here in Ecuador and most of Latin America. This is a time of respecting and remembering the people who have passed away. On this day, family and friends gather together at cemeteries to honour those who have died, with love and laughter. They make "guaguas de pan" or bread people and a special blackberry juice called "colada morada". Then they eat and drink together “sharing” with their ancestors.

"guaguas de pan"
Photo Courtesy of Regina Marchi

This is a major holiday in Ecuador, and it so happens that tomorrow is the celebration of the founding of Cuenca [city], and in observance, all schools and businesses are closed, giving us a five-day holiday.

I am told that on the Day of the Dead, entire families, particularly in rural areas go to the gravesite to clean graves; they pull weeds and whitewash or replace crosses .In urban or wealthier areas, this would involve unlocking the grates, whitewashing tombs, and placing fresh flowers and religious cards.

This is a day I definitely wanted to experience with the locals, but it did not happen. Initially, I had two options. Either travel into the country for a ceremony at a friend’s ancestral home, or go to a cemetery just outside of Quito with another friend. I chose the Quito option. But early in the morning, my friend said she couldn’t go because her mum didn’t feel well and they wanted to stay home. That was it. I was going to miss out on this one because no matter how brave and adventurous I am, I would feel very creepy observing complete strangers remember their dead family/friend. It may also be intrusive for them, particularly since I couldn’t resist taking pictures.

Lots of families gathered inside a cemetery
Photo courtesy of chanatrek.com

Later, I talked to my friend whose mum had been unwell. And here is the story. Last weekend, a death hit too close to home. One of her mum’s closest friends had suddenly died of a brain aneurysm; a healthy woman in the morning, gone by afternoon. So she explained that for her family, there was little to celebrate on this Day of the Dead.

This got me thinking: It may be okay to joke and laugh about the good and the bad of our long dead relatives, but it's very hard to do so with the recently departed. I remember as a child minding how loudly my grandfather spoke. Yet, I remember my long gone grandfather with fondness, and ponder at how such a cynical person could be married to the sweetest woman I know. I can look at his picture and smile at his very tall frame always clad in shorts and a trench coat, despite the weather.

On the other hand is the recenty departed. Earlier this year, I lost my eldest brother-in-law and a short while later a mother-in-law passed on closely followed by one of my closest friends. The pain of their loss is still very fresh to all who loved them. I know their families and close friends are still grieving, still unbelieving and daily waking up to another day of life minus their loved ones.

I’ve always resented that some cultures treat death like total end, a fullstop to a life; walking away after the funeral, never to return. But I am also learning that celebrating the dead doesn’t mean all dead. It means those that we have buried and allowed to go, those with whom we have created a little distance. It means the ones whose memory brings a smile to our face instead of unbearable pain, indescribable grief and fresh tears to our eyes. Often in this life, our loved ones die and it appears they always die too soon. Therefore on this day, I choose to celebrate my loved ones while they are still physically around.

In loving memory of Ndegwa Mwangi, Mama Karuga and Grace Muchonde.

Rest In Peace special friends till we meet again.